The Gold Digger, the Feminist and the Perfect One

Weddings, for many people, are lively events – from the mehendis to shaadis to valimas, full of songs and dances and good food and all. Not for the singleton though, especially if they have “reached a certain age”.

This certain age varies. If you are female – then you probably should have been married off the minute you turned 18. And if you are male, then 24 onwards.

If you are 30, then you’re just past the hill, and beyond help, unless it is marriage to someone ancient, divorced or, actually, you can marry anyone or anything as long as – if you’re lucky – he/she can walk.

At weddings, it seems, that all your loving relatives, friends and not-so-dear aunts all suddenly realise that there is a problem that needs to be addressed ASAP. The problem being, your single status. This is especially obvious if you’re at the wedding of someone who is younger than you – then you have to answer questions like “why him and not you?” or, “He is five years younger than you! I guess he’s got the right idea about life!”

However, being a single man is much better than being a single woman. (Sorry ladies, it’s just the way it is!). But then again, not much better. The minute some aunt realises the fact that you’re single, look remotely human, have a stable job (or who cares about the job anyway?) then things start looking better.

All of a sudden, you have a truck load of aunties coming your way. At first you don’t understand why they are making it a point to come and talk to you. After all, you only know them through your mom’s sister’s husband’s (let’s keep it simple: your uncle’s) sister’s twice removed cousin.

It’s only when after exchanging pleasantries (“oh you’ve grown! The last time I met you were five, fat and running naked in the garden trying to pull my daughter’s pigtails!”) which lead to them introducing you to the daughter in question that it dawns upon you: they’re sussing you out to see if you fulfil their dear daughter’s requirements.

Ah, then you’re introduced to the Daughter. And she fits into two possible categories.

The Seemingly Marry-me-now-I-am-desperate Type
This type of female is all starry eyed and unable to stop weeping at the sight of the newly married bride and groom. She looks towards you with adoration… thereby thoroughly killing the challenge of pursuit… and not challenging you intellectually at all. She has probably wanted to get married since the day she hit 16, possibly got a BA because her parents forced her to, and her ambition is to probably possess the biggest car, the biggest house, the biggest ahem…

But... I digress. This woman is probably every Pakistani man’s (at least the typical man’s) dream come true – but at a high, high, cost that will certainly not decrease with time, since her appetite for jewellery will be rather insatiable.

My advice: RUN! Or, on the other hand, if you do want a seemingly docile bride who will iron your socks, tie your tie in a Jaya Bachchan from Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham fashion, then go for it, thinking, “Hmm, this woman will bear my children, clean the house, and has no ambition… hmmm…”

But hey – as they say, there’s no such thing as a free lunch – since this kind of kind female will make sure that you spend every single penny of your hard earned wages on her!

The Don’t-touch-me-I-am-too-cool-for-marriage Type
This female is of the other variety: she probably smokes (and not just cigarettes) to show that she is soooo modern and “with it”. She definitely works as the head honcho at wherever she does, and she probably has a lot of single friends – both male and female – who she parties with on the weekend. (and every other weeknight.) She has probably burnt all her bras – and broken some other male precious possessions as well.

And she will probably look at you as if you are an insect that she would love to crumple with her stiletto. Of course, this variety of the female species will make your heart melt… you think behind this tough façade resides a woman who ultimately wants you to protect her, and eventually keep house for you and raise your umpteen children. (Munna, Munni, Rinku, Tinku, Bablu and Babli.)

However, this is the sort of woman you want to RUN away from – but only if you’re possess the popular desi mentality that women are slaves and should stay at home like good girls or they should be beaten up now and then – not too harshly of course, but mainly because if they get a fracture, the housework will suffer.

But hey, if you happen to be one of the very few, free-thinking equality-applauding males (ahem… good luck to you… you can look forward to your mom constantly telling you after marriage that you’re not a man, you’re a poodle!) then you must try and make conversation. For instance, talk about women’s emancipation, tut tut about the state of sexual politics and that sort of stuff, and you’re bound to impress her pants off (and literally… hopefully!)


And… The Perfect One
Did I say two categories? I meant, of course, three. The third one of course, is the Perfect One. She is rare, very EMT (English Medium Type); ambitious in a way that challenges you, beautiful in a way that complements you, aggressive in a way that excites you, and thoughtful in a way that melts your heart.

Sadly, this woman usually resides in the minds of men, she comes out from her slumber only once in a while, resurfaces (she’s a bit of a tease), and then disappears.

Maybe at weddings, the lounging area should be divided into three separate areas bearing the categories I just mentioned. That way, everyone gets what they want: The desi man gets the gold digger, the seemingly pro-gender equality guy gets the bra burning feminist, and the perfect man gets the perfect woman.

Here’s hoping!!!


Published in DAWN